4 Truths to Remember When Holidays with Family Are Spooky
Skeletons in the closet >>> Skeletons on the front porch
It’s finally Halloween, and after weeks of frightening decorations and a weekend of ghoulish costumes, many people may find themselves relieved that this year’s scary season has come to an end. However, if you’re anything like me, the weeks ahead may be just a tad bit spookier than Halloween.
I’ve written before about how the stretch of holidays beginning with Halloween and ending with New Year’s Day can bring about some of the most confusing, nerve-wracking, and fearsome feelings if you find yourselves at odds with family. There’s a reason why we refer to secrets and past traumas as “skeletons” in the closet: they’re hidden, they haunt us, and if we’re being honest, they are often much more terrorizing than the plastic skeletons dangling on our neighbor’s front porch.
This is why, two years ago, when my publisher proposed that my book about cycle breaking and family trauma be published in the Spring, I fought hard and wrote my butt off to make sure that my book was released last September instead. I wanted to have pages in the hands of people who were struggling with difficult feelings toward what they wished holidays with family would be like versus the realities they were confronted with.
I know all too well how the shoulda, coulda, wouldas of our family stories taunt us, and how the holiday season picks at wounds that some of us spent all year trying to heal. Between the paid time off, the holiday parties, and the prying of nosy friends, colleagues, and neighbors, this two-month stretch can wreak havoc on your mental and emotional well-being if you’re not prepared to navigate the season with a few essential truths in mind:
1. You have nothing to prove.
I’m aware that most folks would use this point to close out the list with a bang, but if you don’t read another line, I wanted to make sure that you know: you have absolutely nothing to prove. To anyone. Not me. Not your coworker. Not your best friend, or partner, or book club member. Not your parents, or grandparents, or siblings, or anyone else. You don’t need to vie for child or sibling or relative of the year. You don’t need to win the award for “most agreeable,” or “most dependable,” or “family peacekeeper.”
If you are feeling the pressure to meet some arbitrary expectation that others have placed on you or that you have placed on yourself, I give you permission to interrogate where those expectations stem from and how they are serving you. Chances are, they are rooted in a fairy tale version of family life that does not exist and they are already stressing you out with weeks of the holiday season to go.
How would your life look different over the next nine or so weeks if you moved with the belief that you, and simply you, were enough?
2. You can choose (or create) your own traditions.
One aspect of the holidays that tends to get under my skin the most is the resolute desire to maintain traditions. For some folks, nostalgia is nice. For others, however, nostalgia can be a downright nuisance. Why keep romanticizing a past that is fraught with harmful memories? Why maintain traditions or practices that no longer serve us, or that require us to expand beyond our capacity?
In my home, Thanksgiving dinner has been vetoed. My son and I have breakfast at IHOP and catch a movie instead. I love it. I love that it’s ours. I love that it absolves me of the stress of holiday grocery shopping, the disappointment of ruining a family classic dish, and the frustrations of cleaning for hours after cooking for hours. Traditions can, and do, change.
How would your life look different over the next nine or so weeks if you took inventory of your traditions and gave yourself permission to keep the ones you love while evolving or eliminating the ones you don’t?
3. You have the right to change your mind.
This is one of my favorite truths all year long, but it holds particular relevance during the holiday season where almost every commitment is imbued with and complicated by social and emotional sentiments. Missing Sunday dinner is one thing, but missing Christmas Eve dinner can easily become a whole debacle. For many people, this means placing their own needs on the back burner during the holidays so that they can show up and attend to the needs of others no matter what.
While I wholeheartedly believe that relationships — familial or otherwise — require some level of sacrifice and commitment, it’s important to maintain a balance between showing up for others and showing up for yourself. You don’t want to arrive on the other side of this holiday season having honored commitments to everyone but yourself.
How would your life look different over the next nine or so weeks if you simply committed to honoring your social and emotional wellness as needed?
4. You can create your own family.
In the common scenario that choosing yourself (or your sanity) means foregoing family time, it’s important to remember that you can create a familial bond with people who you choose to spend sacred time with. I write this as I’m torn between visiting my sister and her husband for Christmas or sending myself on the solo California vacation that I had to skip this summer. (You see, my sister lives in the Midwest region where negative temps are likely and though I love her, I LOATHE snow and ice — hence, my dilemma).
However, I’m also planning Friendsgiving with my small group and a holiday party with my book club. I’m making plans with people NOW to avoid the deafening silence and loneliness that used to plague my holiday breaks. I’m thinking about what I want to eat and read, where I want to relax, and the experiences I want to enjoy during the holidays and putting action behind my desires. Some might even say I’m making a list and checking it twice (so cheesy, I know!). The moral of the story is that you don’t have to be a passive participant in your life during the holiday season.
How would your life look different over the next nine or so weeks if you started to actively curate a holiday season with your desires in mind?
If you’ve taken the time to thoughtfully reflect on the answers to these four questions, I imagine that your holiday season is starting to look a lot less scary than ones you may have endured before. However, if you need more insight on why you should break harmful family cycles, start new traditions, and let go of the perfect family fairy tale, I encourage you to read my book, First in the Family: Biblical Truths for Cycle Breakers. Just make sure you are ready to face the skeletons in your closets before you get started. Cheers to a not-so-spooky holiday season!
